Who Dat?

Warning: Detonation in 3... 2... 1....

Papi! Papi!

David Ortiz! Big Papi! A walk-off 3-run double in the ninth inning to give the Sox the win! Guess what his combined numbers are in the past two days in the ninth inning? 2-for-2 with 7 RBIs. A grand slam yesterday to bring the game within 1 in the ninth, and today a walk-off 3-run double. Give this man his damn extension already! Lock him up for 729 years like the Devils tried to do with Kovalchuk! I don't care how you do it, keep Big Papi in Boston forever!!

Pose With It! Pose With It!

AOL  -  This happy fellow is Rob Parker, with a 42-inch long barracuda that he caught. This traumatized girl is his 14-year-old daughter, who was the bait. He made sure to get this photo before they went to the hospital.


Koral Wira was along for the ride when her parents and a couple of friends went fishing off of Venice, Fla. About 4 miles off shore, a barracuda leaped from the water and clamped onto Wira's arm.


The fish dropped off her arm, and her father stabbed it with a filet knife. But the damage was done: Wira needed 51 stitches.


Of the victory photo, Wira "said she wasn't in pain at the moment, but she was still creeped out by the fish." I'd be more creeped out by her father's triumphant expression.




Some stories tell themselves. AKA this one. Mr. Parker.... what the hell is wrong with you? Are you mentally deranged? I don't know, I guess I wasn't there. But by the way this story is written, it seems like a barracuda just jumped up and chomped onto poor little Koral's arm. Did dad catch the barracuda? In the sense that the barracuda ended up in the boat, yes. But even if he did have the thing on the line -- which is debatable -- he sure as hell didn't have much control over it. Came damn close to costing his daughter's left arm because of his ineptitude with barracuda fishing. Come on bro. Get your act together. This just kind of seems like a strange family. But most of all, the dad is strange for (A) letting a barracuda bite his daughter's arm off, (B) celebrating the attack and pose for pictures with the thing, and (C) naming his daughter Koral.

Patten Calls it Quits

Oh, horror! Two full days of Patriots training camp! It was too much for David Patten at 35 years of age, as he called it quits on an NFL career that actually saw plenty of success. Of course, far and away, his most memorable moment is the photograph here. That big time catch for the touchdown in the Pats first Super Bowl Title. Clutch city right there. Then he nabbed another ring as a member of Who Dat nation last year in New Orleans. Guy had success. Credit to you. But why the hell sign a deal with the Patriots if you're gonna retire after 2 days of training camp? It doesn't make much sense to me. But let me be clear about this. I'd rather a guy sign on, realize he can't do training camp, and then retire. As opposed to what, you might ask? As opposed to Brett Favre, who pretends like he's still not sure whether he's going to come back or not. He's sitting at home, kicking back, downing a few brews while his Vikings teammates are working their asses off at camp. He'll stroll in just in time to get under center when the games start. Because he's the pussiest warrior ever. I'll admit he's a warrior, playing and succeeding at QB at his age. But he's the pussiest warrior out there. I'll probably write another rant about him soon.

Just another disclaimer, I'm in Maine for the week. Expect a lesser volume of posts. I'll still try to get some up there, though. The Red Sox got Saltalamacchia today (check spelling on that, no clue if it's right). The Yankees got Lance Berkman. I guess they win the trade deadline battle. Oh well. We'll see who's laughing in October, when Boston has 4 sports teams all tearing shit up simultaneously in their respective leagues.

Fight #1: Obama vs. Pujols

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The Matchup: Barack Obama vs. Albert Pujols

Size: Obama checks in at 6'1", 180 lbs. Pujols has him edged at 6'3", 230 lbs. Advantage Pujols.

Speed: Pujols isn't necessarily known for his speed and quickness. He's known for his power. I've seen Barack play hoop with the best of 'em. He must have some sneaky speed in there. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt because he's the President of the United States. Advantage Obama.

Power: Pujols jacks home runs out of Busch Stadium like Obama signs Presidential papers. Advantage Pujols.

Smarts: I've never seen Pujols doing the work of an intellectual. He relies on his brute strength. He's good at reading pitchers, but Obama is good at reading books. Does that mean either of them can fight? No. The question is, which has the better fight IQ? Obama spends most of his time in a full suit. Pujols is in athletic gear, getting dirty on the playing surface each day. Advantage Pujols.

Intangibles: There are a few intangible factors here. The referee is a big one. He's got the power to stop a fight at any time. Barack has the intangible edge. He's the fucking President. He gets all the calls. It's human nature. Advantage Obama.

Toughness: Maybe the most important factor of all. Who is tougher? Who's going to be more difficult to knock out? Mentally, I think Obama has the goods. He handles major catastrophes every day in the Oval Office. But Pujols is a solid man. He's endured quite a bit and kept a level head. Guy wins MVP after MVP and he's only earned 1 ring as a result of his greatness. He comes across as a tough man. You can't ignore how big a factor his size is. You need a lot of power to beat someone who's bigger than you. Advantage Pujols.

The Decision: I can't pick our President in this case. He drew a tough first-round matchup. He's an old man, for Christ's sake! Almost 50, taking on a prime athlete! Sorry Barack. Albert Pujols gets the knockout in the 1st round.

Pujols moves on to face the winner of tomorrow's matchup between Dustin Pedroia and Larry Fitzgerald. That's gonna be a great bout. I wish I could just say Pedroia will toss everyone's shit across the ring in every fight, but I need to do the real analysis. Stay tuned people.

The Cage Fight Returns

Very soon we will be starting the Cage Fights back up. It's been a while. But now we're making an official tourney. 64 fighters. Arranged randomly in the bracket above (for those of you who saw the mistake in the one I posted before, I fixed it). You can click it to make it bigger. I'll break em down one by one. Each day we'll get a winner. 32 matches in the first round. Then 16. Then 8. Then 4. Then 2. And then 1 match for the title. Do the math. That's 63 games. We'll be at this for a while. Who will win the title? I guess I'm the one who ultimately decides, huh?

Who Dat?

I got some suggestions from a few people. Things to add to this site. I've referenced before that we are not Barstool Sports. Barstool Sports is a great site, but it's turned into mostly smut and hot girls. We plan to stay mostly sports here. However, a mix is never a bad thing. So this is the inaugural Who Dat? post. All you get is the eyes. Try to guess who it is. Sort of like our rendition of Barstool's "GTA" you could say.

Bloom! My House is on Fire!

Free subscription to the nonexistent Ultimate Boston Magazine for anyone who can actually transcribe the entire interview here with this boy (allegedly Latarian Milton's long lost relative?). I mean I would say "that wasn't even English" but the problem was I don't think it was any language. It was just complete utter insanity. Which is why it's awesome. Since when do fires go bloom?

Shaking My Head at Bill Simmons

You can click that picture to see what the writing says. Is Bill Simmons serious? Sure, the Sox are 7.5 games out of first place. I understand that, I can read. But honestly, Bill... what did you expect? Just about every damn contributor on this team has gotten injured and missed time. How can you expect them to be riveting and exciting with Darnell McDonald starting in center every day and Bill Hall playing second base? Kevin Cash catching? Triple-A players being called upon to fill the shoes of all-stars? Given the hand they have been dealt, I think it has been pretty exciting watching the Red Sox this year.

What's the most exciting aspect of baseball for the fan? Easy. Offense. Offense is more exciting than defense. That is the nature of the two. Defense wins championships and all, but come on. Let's be serious -- it was more exciting to watch the 2007 Patriots put up well over 50 than it was to see the 2001 Patriots win 13-7 contests. From an average fan's perspective, offense is exciting. The Red Sox? They have scored the second-most runs in the majors this year. With Ellsbury, Pedroia, Martinez, Varitek, and others all missing excessive time, that's a pretty formidable accomplishment.

Okay, so what's the most exciting part about a baseball team's offense? Home runs! Obviously. The Red Sox? They've blasted the second-most home runs in the bigs this year. The boredom is killing me! Why can't we be the Seattle Mariners with their 72 fewer homers than us? Now that would be exciting. I don't care what stupid and absurd points Bill Simmons brings up. The most significant part in determining how exciting the Sox are is their offense. Their offense is phenomenal. Therefore, they are not boring. He argues that the games have been too long this year, and he says there is a 150-minute rule on everything. That if it's more than 150 minutes, it's boring. Bro! Come on! Like every professional sporting event lasts at least 150 minutes. Get your head out of your ass and start living in the 21st century, where you get equal the commercial time as you do the damn game time.

I could go on deeper into this argument in regards to how the Sox not only aren't boring, but are actually quite exciting. I could talk about how three pitchers have already carried no-hitters very deep into games -- but I mean, that's not too exciting. It's obviously more exciting when a game lasts 2 quick hours and finishes up as a 3-2 score, lacking any highlight reel plays or homers or anything. Shaking my head at Bill Simmons. If that's his view of excitement, I pity his lifestyle. Best of luck in the future, bro.

B's Waste No Time, Sign Wheeler

As I expected, the Bruins accepted the arbitration offer for Blake Wheeler. 1-year, $2.2 million for the upcoming season. I've described the situation a thousand times. The Bruins are now over the cap. And they can go even further over the cap to sign Tyler Seguin. As long as they're over by $3.5 million or less, they will be OK until Sturm returns. Then they'll have to do something.

Peter Chiarelli seems happy to have Wheeler back. I mean, he's averaged better than 19 goals per season in his 2 years here. That's not half bad considering the brutal slumps he's gone through and the overall lack of scoring this team experienced last year. When Wheeler plays to his potential and isn't a stiff, he's pretty solid. Hopefully we see the solid Wheeler this year and not the guy who's questionably worth a bag of pucks.

I'm not Nostradamus or anything, but I would expect the signing of Tyler Seguin within the next couple of weeks.

A Bear Story I Can Believe

Like I said, bears are awesome. Unlike the stupid, probably totally fabricated story about the bear stealing a teddy bear (see a few posts below) this story is completely legit. There's video to support it. Some shallow-minded fool doesn't notice right away that not only is a big net caught on to the front of his truck, but that he's also dragging away a toddler black bear with the net. Once he finally stops he has no choice but to stay in the car, because momma bear is on her way to the rescue with the other baby bear watching in the background. Bears, man. They keep their allegiance to each other, never back stabbing fellow bears or leaving them out to dry. If these bears were humans in the same situations, the momma bear would probably be on the phone calling for someone to help her son and the little bro would be in his room playing XBOX while his brother gets dragged away in a fishing net. Not bears. They live and die together. No doubt the superior race between the two.

Cool Finger Bro

Now that Torry Holt is a New England Patriot, I guess it's time to actually say something about this weird shit he's got going on. How do you catch a football like that? Whatever floats your boat bro. Just get in the end zone and I'm cool with it. But seriously... what happens if Torry Holt flips you the bird? Do you just laugh and say thank you?

So... Blake Wheeler?

Over the past few weeks, all of the talk with the Boston Bruins has been about Blake Wheeler and this arbitration deal. Should the Bruins sign him? Can they even afford it? In an article last week, I explained the situation the B's are in. Wheeler's arbitration value was made official today. The offer? 1 year, $2.2 million.

The Bruins can now take it or leave it. If they choose to ignore the arbitration offer, Wheeler can walk as an unrestricted free agent. If they choose to accept the offer, that is $2.2 million that they don't have. When Marco Sturm comes back in December and his $3.5 million cap hit is reassumed, the Bruins will need to dish out salaries to remain cap-competent. So what should they do? What will they do?

They'll sign Wheeler. I'm almost sure of it. $2.2 million is a pretty decent figure, considering he made $2.8 million last season and was actually our third highest goal scorer. It seems to be becoming a more and more likely option to throw Michael Ryder into a mix of negotiations to fix this cap problem. Yes, it would be absurd to have a $4 million player in Providence, but it would also clear him out of the way. Some are worried that Ryder would be claimed off waivers first by another team. So be it! All the power to whatever team wants Michael Ryder! I'd pay $4 million for a cheeseburger before I'd pay $4 million for Michael Ryder.

Of course, they could always hold off on everything. Sign Wheeler and Seguin. Sturm is out. Keep the team as-is. If Ryder fails to produce in the first few months, waive him. Then he'll either be gone or in Providence. If he does produce, that probably means things are going well. They would have to find another way to dump salary. At least the Bruins have some options. But when you consider that there are possibilities by which you could choose between Ryder and Wheeler, at $4 million and $2.2 million respectively -- it's tough to let Wheeler walk as a UFA.

Black Bear Steals Teddy Bear

AOL  -  Separated at birth?


On Tuesday, a black bear entered a house in Laconia, N.H., munched on some pears and grapes left on a kitchen counter, and drank some water (plus a few fish) from a fishbowl before picking up a stuffed teddy bear.


As WMUR News reported, the bear, who had come in through a sliding glass door that had been left open, was apparently scared off when the family returned home.


Homeowner Mary Beth Parkinson discovered the discarded teddy bear on the lawn, along with a box of Goldfish crackers.


"I thought maybe ... [the teddy bear] looked like a little baby cub to her, and she picked it up and then dropped it when she had to jump over the wall to get away," Parkinson told WMUR.


Surge Desk reported Wednesday on a bear attack in Montana's Gallatin National Forest, near Yellowstone National Park, that left one person dead and two injured.




Let me start by saying that bears are awesome. But I do have a few problems with this story. I won't even bother with the part about the family who leaves home as a unit with pears and grapes on the counter along with boxes of Goldfish lying all over the place and their sliding glass door completely slid open. That's not even the main part of the story with me. I really wish they could have elaborated on the encounter a bit. This article doesn't even tell about the family coming home and seeing the bear. How do we know it wasn't just a hungry burglar? And maybe the glass door was open because the burglar opened it? All I'm saying is that they never gave me a real reason to believe the bear was ever there at all. No eye-witness accounts. No photographs. Are we just assuming it was a bear because the burglar attempted to steal a teddy bear? And that this will make a fantastic story if we say a bear stole it? That's what I'm smelling here. Nice try, AOL.


PS -- The last sentence is boggling the hell out of me. Why is that part of the story necessary? It's like if I wrote a blog telling about how Johnny Cupcakes threw a perfect game at Fenway last night and then ending it by mentioning that Johnny French Fry shot two people on the street after his game in Atlanta. They're completely unrelated except for the fact that they're both baseball players. These two stories are totally unrelated except that they have to do with bears. What does a bear burgling a home in New Hampshire have to do with a bear attack near Yellowstone National Park in Montana? I just don't understand the motives of some people.

Eddie House Heating Up

The once beloved sparkplug of the Boston Celtics bench unit, veteran guard Eddie House has found himself a new home. And much to the dismay of some Bostonians, he'll be putting on the black and red jersey of the Miami Heat. House signed a 1-year, $2.8 million deal with the Heat today, becoming yet another solid complimentary piece to their Gargantuan-Three on South Beach.

Obviously I don't hold anything against Eddie for signing with Miami. The Celtics shipped him away to a non-contender. He wants another ring. So he's going for his best shot. The painful part is just that now a player I once loved is on a team I cannot help but hate. Which, in turn, will mean that I no longer am an Eddie House fan. You were a perfect role player, though. And I expect you will be with Miami. House just has that winning attitude about him. Hopefully the losing LeBron mojo will override the winning mojo of other players.

I guess it would be silly of me to say with absolute certainty that LeBron will never win a ring and that the Heat still will never win the title. They're damn good. But what I can say with absolute certainty is that LeBron's rant at the Miami Heat rally was outrageous. For those of you who missed it, he essentially guaranteed 8 championships in Miami. Easy, bro. Never gonna happen. Don't put 600 lbs on the bar if you can only press 200 of it.

Calling All Fantasy Football Experts!

I mentioned a few days ago that we were calling all Fantasy Football experts. Well, now is your time. If you think you're a fantasy expert and would like to become one of our fantasy panelists for the upcoming season, you better get that application in. Send us a sample of your Fantasy Football analysis for the upcoming season. Email it to TheUltimateBoston@gmail.com and we will get back to you. If you become an analyst, you'll have your stuff featured every week, along with the other analysts -- including myself. Right now I'm the only one listed. I'm taking somewhere between 4 and 7 more. That will depend on whose analysis I think is the most qualified. Deadline for submissions is August 15. So yes, that does mean to send your stuff in pronto. You don't want to miss out on the chance to become an Ultimate Boston Fantasy Football Expert... do you??

Get Your Popcorn Ready: NFL in Review

Scutaro's Slam Gets Sox Past Halos

The blog has been a little slow lately, I'll be the first to admit it. Truth be told, the amount of posting will probably never get back to the level it was once at. But I'll write some stuff explaining the way things will work later. Now it's time to talk about how Scuts saved the day for the Sox.

Josh Beckett was solid for the second consecutive outing since returning from the DL, firing 7 innings and surrendering 3 runs on just 5 hits. He fanned 5 hitters. Still, though, Boston found themselves in a 3-3 tie heading for the 8th inning. That's when their shortstop came to the rescue. With the bases loaded, Scutaro jacked a grand slam out of the yard and sent the Angels packing, being swept at home for the first time in their last 72 home series. Scutaro would reach base in 5 of his 6 at bats in the game, punching out officially with a 3-4 day with 4 RBIs.

Don't look now, but the Red Sox are creeping back into the picture in the division. The Yankees have some struggling personnel right now, and the Sox find themselves just 6.5 games back in the AL East. String a few more together and you'll have something to watch out for in this division. 6 of Boston's final 10 games this season are against the Yankees. It would be phenomenal to see a tight, heated race at the end of the year for a playoff spot and/or the division title.

T.O. to Cincy

Well, I just got back from Boston College orientation. Went well. Officially have become a Superfan now. And the best news of all is that nothing too crazy went down in the sports world over the span I was out. But then I get back today, exhausted, not planning to really blog unless something strikes my eye. Well here it is. This one stood out. Terrell Owens to the Bengals? So to get this straight, TO and Ochocinco are in the same receiving core? This should be fantastic publicity and entertainment. And even on a serious note, if both guys can become humble winners instead of selfish superstars, this will be a pretty deadly duo. Both of these guys are freak athletes and have the potential to be some of the best receivers in the game. They have a QB that was at one time regarded as one of the best in the game. Watch out for Cincinnati. But they probably still won't go anywhere.

The NHL Off Season; What you need to know and more

Here at Ultimate Boston we like our followers to be up to date on what is happening in the world of sports. We're here this Sunday to bring you the latest and greatest in what is happening in the NHL Offseason. We'll bring you up to speed on signings, trades, and more so that you know what to expect come next season.

While Drob and company keep you up to date with what is happening on the home front, I will be bringing you news and deals that have been happening elsewhere in the NHL.

Let's start off with the most talked about topic in the NHL right now, Ilya Kovalchuck. Kovy has become the LeBron of the NHL. Two teams led the forefront when it came to signing Kovalchuck this offseason, the LA Kings and the NJ Devils. Kovalchuck was acquired by the Devils last season after he denied the Atlanta Thrashers offers of $100 million over 10 years. On July 19, 2010 Kovalchuck and the NJ Devils came to terms on a 17 year, $102 million dollar deal that was inevitably rejected by the NHL because it "circumvents the league salary cap". He was set to earn about $98 million in the first 11 years of the deal and the rest to be paid over the next 6 years, thus reducing the hit the Devils would face from the cap. Kovy's fate is still uncertain as he remains a free agent.

Another big name was on the move this offseason, Simon Gagne. Gagne was traded from the Philadelphia Flyers to the Tampa Bay Lightning this offseason in exchange for defenseman Matt Walker and a 4th round pick in the 2011 draft. Gagne was a key member for the Flyers during the post-season, especially scoring the game winning goal, eliminating the Bruins from the playoffs.

Other Notable Off Season Moves:

Evgeni Nabokov G From: San Jose To: KHL
2009-10 Stats: 44-16-10 2.43 GAA .922 SV%

Jaroslav Halak G From: Montreal To: St. Louis
2009-10 Stats: 26-13-5 2.40 GAA .924 SV%

David Perron LW Re-Signed: St. Louis
2009-10 Stats: 20 G 27 A 47 PTS

Mikko Koivu C Re-Signed: Minnesota
2009-10 Stats: 22 G 49 A 71 PTS

Matthew Lombardi C From: Phoenix To: Nashville
2009-10 Stats: 19 G 34 A 53 PTS

Pavel Kubina D From: Atlanta To: Tampa Bay
2009-10 Stats: 6 G 32 A 38 PTS

Ray Whitney LW From: Carolina To: Phoenix
2009-10 Stats: 21 G 37 A 58 PTS

Anton Volchenkov D From: Ottawa To: New Jersey
2009-10 Stats: 4 G 10 A 14 PTS

Henrik Tallinder D From: Buffalo To: New Jersey
2009-10 Stats: 4 G 16 A 20 PTS

Vladimir Sobotka C From: Boston To: St. Louis
2009-10 Stats: 4 G 6 A 10 PTS

Vaclav Prospel C Re-signed: New York Rangers
2009-10 Stats: 20 G 38 A 58 PTS

Dan Hamhuis D From: Nashville To: Vancouver
2009-10 Stats: 5 G 19 A 24 PTS

Zbynek Michalek D From: Phoenix To: Pittsburgh
2009-10 Stats: 3 G 14 A 17 PTS

Sergei Gonchar D From: Pittsburgh To: Ottawa
2009-10 Stats: 11 G 39 A 50 PTS

Colby Armstrong RW From: Atlanta To: Toronto
2009-10 Stats: 15 G 14 A 29 PTS

Olli Jokinen C From: New York Rangers To: Calgary
2009-10 Stats: 15 G 35 A 50 PTS

That about wraps up all the bigger names. I will be doing the same thing next Sunday with more off season moves and other minor news within the NHL.

DRob's Out. Be Back Tuesday.

I'm out guys. Taking off for Boston College Orientation today. I guess it's time to open the door for you guys into some facts about me. I'm a sophomore in college. Freshman year, I went to URI. Had a blast. Shout out to my Rhody gang, you know who you are. But for several reasons, highlighted by the academic and financial ones, I decided to transfer to Boston College. So I have orientation today. Until Tuesday night. Won't be bringing my laptop. I no longer have a smartphone. No access to this blog. Which means I can't post anything. I'll be busy learning the Eagles fight songs and what not. So leave me plenty of messages and all that good stuff, and our other writers might write a few things if you're lucky. Hopefully nothing too ridiculous goes down in the sports world that I miss.

Another quick announcement. We are calling all fantasy football experts. I'm going to put together a panel of fantasy experts if we can. Ideally I'd like 5 including myself. All doing the same thing on a weekly basis. Giving their fantasy input. That will be the biggest part of our site during football season. Fans can get input from the 5 analysts. And we'll have games of the week and keep records and make a little competition out of it for the hell of it. But I need the analysts. To try to get a spot, send me a small article previewing this football season. I want your Top 10 fantasy draft picks, your NFL division winners, and your Super Bowl matchup. But the important part is the ANALYSIS. If you give good analysis you'll be in good shape. I'm looking for 4 more analysts. So show me your stuff right now. Consider it a challenge.

Alright, time to go become a Superfan. Wish me luck. Happy 25th of July.

Tough Luck for Lester in Sox Loss

Coming off a victory in Josh Beckett's return and coupled with a Yankees loss tonight, the Red Sox had a chance to gather a big win and gain some momentum with their de facto ace on the hill. Jon Lester was dealing a perfect game into the sixth inning before the wheels fell off the wagon around him. A dropped fly ball in center field by Eric Patterson allowed one runner to reach before Lester surrendered a home run to give Seattle the lead. On just one hit, he'd found himself trailing the game, 2-1. A suicide squeeze, an RBI single, and a bases-loaded HBP by Manny Delcarmen in the 8th inning added insurance runs for the Mariners, who topped Boston by a 5-1 final.

Lester hurled 7.2 innings and yielded just 4 hits. However, due to some tough luck and a poor relief appearance by Delcarmen, the Sox lefty stud was charged with 5 runs -- 4 earned -- to suffer his 5th loss of the season . He struck out 13 while walking just 1 batter. It took 124 pitches before Francona had no choice but to replace him.

The lone piece of offense for the Sox was a David Ortiz home run in the 4th inning. It was Big Papi's 19th dinger. Boston was 0-for-4 with runners in scoring position and stranded 7 runners on base.

Daisuke Matsuzaka (7-3, 4.29) takes the hill for the Red Sox tomorrow in the finale of this series with the Mariners. Boston remains 7 games behind the Yankees and is now 4 games behind Tampa Bay. Tomorrow's game starts at 4:10 PM ET.