I'm Tired of Hearing About Jim Joyce

Jim Joyce blew a perfect game for Armando Galarraga. I know. The call was brutal and I couldn't believe it. I was sorry for Armando. Got robbed. But then Jim Joyce made his public appearance and you could tell he was so regretful of the call there was a chance he'd hang himself that night. That made me feel a little more sympathetic. And then he starts getting death threats, and people start sending his son facebook messages about him. And then people start suggesting we use instant replay for every play in question. And then people say Joyce should be fired, nevermind a suspension first. And I listen to all of it and then I get tired of it because it's all total absurdity.

First of all, there is no need for death threats, ever. But if you're going to do it, say it to Jim Joyce. Don't bring his kid into it -- violation of human civilization unwritten rules. Face the man you have a problem with. Secondly, it has to be the dumbest suggestion ever to use instant replay for every play in doubt. Human error is part of what makes us human. And as humans, we are the superior race in the world. Human error keeps the integrity of the game and without it, real-life sports would just be a video game. Plus, think about it -- how long would it take a Red Sox - Yankees game to finish with instant replay on every questionable call? Christ, forget doubleheaders, we might have to start playing 2-day games because they would be so prolonged. As for Joyce being fired, that too is nonsense. I agree his call was terrible. But he handled it like a professional. He expressed his apologies and his regrets. And above all, calls like these are missed every damn day in the major leagues. You can't just choose to fire this guy because his missed call happened to break up a perfect game. From a partial umpire's stand point, every call is the same regardless of the situation. By firing Joyce, you would be promoting making a certain call in a certain situation. And what does that do? Spoils the integrity of the game.

So everyone can stop blogging about Jim Joyce and this whole imperfect game situation. You haven't seen us blog about it since the night the original video was posted. Because it's over and done with. It was a missed call. I could find a missed call in a Brewers-Cardinals game this season and blog about that, but nobody would care. Jim Joyce is a punching bag right now, and it's time to lay off the gas. A missed call is a missed call, no matter what the situation. Happens in every sport, every game, all the time. So can we stop being immature 7-year-olds about it?

Blackhawks Don't Wake Up from Coma in Time for Game 4

So the Flyers are now tied at two with the Blackhawks. Awesome. I'm two wins away from cutting my wrists. Because I can't take a Philadelphia Flyers Stanley Cup after what happened in the conference semis. I just can't. What's Chicago's deal here? They stampeded the Sharks, who were definitely one of the most talented teams out there. And then they stampeded the Flyers in games 1 and 2. And then they got stampeded in games 3 and 4. Pull your game together boys. If you want the Cup you gotta earn it. And I think I might want you to win more than you want yourselves to win. That's how much I hate Carcillo, Hartnell, Briere, Pronger, and the rest of the Philadelphia Flyers. So do me a favor and start playing big boy hockey instead of toddler instructional league hockey like you have been the past two games. Because if you drop this one on your home ice tomorrow, you can all but kiss the Cup goodbye.

Cage Fight Pick 'Em: Tiger vs Jordan

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By far the most evenly matched and difficult to call fight we've had so far this week. Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods. Two beastly physical specimens. Hands-down the most talented players of their respective sports in the history of the world. This fight would probably signal the apocalypse. But we'll analyze it anyway.

Tiger: If given the use of a weapon, Tiger wins this fight 10 out of 10 times. His 6-iron would easily beat out Jordan's wooden bat from his time in the majors. But anyway, time to really think about this one. Tiger lacks the height on MJ. But I'm thinking he might have a strength advantage. Tiger's a real big guy. And another thing to note -- Tiger has experience when it comes to the elements of a cage fight. In the past year, he's worked his ground game and has experience on bottom as well as on top. He has even executed side control a few times. If this fight goes to the mat, Jordan better watch out.

Jordan: MJ's seen better days. He's up into the 40's and he is far from peak physical condition. But he played in the NBA. And thus he has a size advantage. He's a big guy. And he's got a much better reach. He is battle tested. The most clutch performer we've ever seen. But there are some things you need to understand. Jordan won't get "star treatment" from a UFC referee. He can never be bailed out by a call. He'll have to rely on his raw talent. But he has a damn lot of it. And Jordan has always been focused and hasn't been dealing with a severe mid-life crisis for the past year. The mental side of the fight cannot be forgotten.

X-Factor: The key to this fight will be whether or not Tiger Woods can get his head straight after his recent problems. He came back to the Masters and turned in a nice tournament. But since then, he's been faltering again. Not the same old Tiger. Does Jordan see Old Tiger or New Tiger? Unfortunately for the guy who "sinks putts and nails sluts," it's probably going to be the New Tiger.

The Decision: The fight goes to a decision, but Jordan wins a unanimous 30-27 fight. Lands a ton of punches but cannot completely finish Tiger.

What do the fans think? Vote 1 for Tiger would beat Jordan to a pulp. Vote 5 for MJ is still the greatest to ever grace the grounds of planet earth.

Stupid Facebook Fan Page of the Day

Haha, I love how you think everyone loves you when they all hate you. :)

All these Facebook pages that people like are ridiculous. People "like" this stuff because they think of these situations, and they are shocked when they find out that thousands of other people have thought the same thing. Then they get all excited and like the page. Kind of a waste of time. Anyway I like to scoff at them.

"I Have No Comments for His Comments. For What? Who Is He?"

Pau Gasol says that Kevin Garnett has lost some of his explosiveness since the 2008 finals. He's probably right. Garnett is two years older and two years further into injury problems. But Pau Gasol, why would you ever say that to the man who head butts the basket before every game? Who pounds his chest harder than a doctor giving desperation CPR? You know these kind of comments fuel the Celtics. When asked about the comments, KG responded, "I have no comments for his comments. For what? Who is he?" I'd be scared if I was Pau. Because after that terrible game on Friday, and an extra day of rest in between (because the NBA is retarded and can't just make a normal schedule for even ONE series), Garnett and the Celtics are going to be hungrier than ever.

When a reporter asked Rondo about the comments, he just smiled. It was his first time hearing about Gasol's comments. Why did he smile? Because he know's Garnett is a crazy bass who will go out on Sunday and quickly make Pau eat his own words. Then they will come back to Boston having earned the split. And from there they will take two out of three at home and win game 6 in LA. I changed from Celtics in 5 to Celtics in 6 because I realized the NBA is rigged and would never let this series end in 5 games.

"Drunk Driver" Slips Up, Lifts Off

Wait, so this reporter is actually attributing this accident to the driver being drunk? Is that serious? Like I know alcohol can do some crazy things to people's minds. But come on. If this person drove like 100 MPH straight into a toll barrier while intoxicated, I'd be willing to bet the person is a crazy bastard. This chick would definitely do that again without a drop of booze in her. I gotta praise her though. Without people like this, wouldn't the world just be a peaceful, safe, but very boring place?

Leave it to the fans. Vote 1 for this is 100% because she was intoxicated. Vote 5 for she is probably on the FBI's most wanted list and is a crazy bitch whether shammered or not.

Madden '11 Team Ratings Released; Raiders Remain Unimproved Despite Getting Rid of All 260 Pounds of JaMarcus Russell

Deadspin -- The at-launch team ratings for Madden NFL 11 were revealed earlier today and the Raida Organization, despite shoveling 260 pounds of No. 2 from its roster, improved not one whit from last year's game to this.

Oakland's 71 represents zero improvement over last year's rating, which must make Jason Campbell, the Raidas' new quarterback, feel just awesome. Especially since Campbell's old team, the Redskins, surged to a 76 from a 70 with his departure, the single-biggest gain. Although they're still in last place in the beefier NFC East.

The Arizona Cardinals lost QB Kurt Warner to retirement and receiver Anquan Boldin to free agency, accounting for their eight-point slide, worst in the game. And interestingly, last year's Super Bowl participants New Orleans and Indianapolis each lost two points overall but remain No. 1 and No. 2 for a second straight year, respectively, which maybe indicates a tightening in EA Sports' formula. Who knows.

Poor, poor Oakland. Guys can't even catch a break from the Madden executives. JaMarcus Russell had to have been like a -91 rating coming into this Madden season. And then they got Jason Campbell who really isn't even that bad. And they do have Richard Seymour and their running backs are semi-talented. And they've worked themselves out of the complete dumps of the league, too. They aren't at the dead bottom. But they're still in the basement. And they just cannot get upstairs. Tough break for the Cardinals fans too. They took a big blow. But that corresponds with the actual offseason transactions at least.

The most intriguing storyline here at Ultimate Boston though is... the Jets are an 89 and the Pats are an 86? Is this real life? I'll bet all the money I ever earn in my blogging career on the Pats having a better record and advancing further in the playoffs than the New York Jets. The Jets signed a bunch of washed up old hags who aren't going to do shit for the green next year. Has everyone like forgotten who the Patriots are just because of that playoff loss? Like they still were 2 games better than the Jets record-wise last year. And it's only a 16 game season so 2 games is kind of a lot. And the loss of Leon Washington is going to be bigger than people think. So let me make the statement right now. The Patriots will rip the Jets to pieces this year. Madden's high off their ass if they really think the Jets are an 89. Shaking my head vigorously.

The Saints top the chart at 92 and the Colts are 91. The Ravens follow them at 90. And then the Jets are an 89. 4th best team. Come on Madden. I thought you would have known better than to be fooled by the Jets fluke season. Shame on you. My guess is that by mid-season, the online update will have the Pats back up over the Jets and Madden will finally remember that the Jets didn't win anything last year and still suck dick.

YOU MUST WATCH THIS BEAR DO KUNG FU

How exactly did they capture this bear? He's an animal. Jackie Chan ain't got shit on him.

Do Not Touch the Top of Beltre's Head, Ever.

Alright people hear this and hear it loud and clear. Adrian Beltre doesn't want anyone touching the top of his head. Think about how many professional athletes ask so much of a team. All AB wants is for no one to touch the top of his head. I'm more than happy to sacrifice that for these mammoth bombs he's hitting off everyone.


Update: The Orioles really are as bad as they're made out to be. And I guess I was semi-correct about the Clay Buchholz post below.

Way to Help Out Your New Manager

Great start for Chris Tillman. Gotta love this if you're Juan Samuel on your first day as the big manager for the Orioles. Pulling your starter with one out in the second inning. Already losing 4-0. I don't know if you could have set that up any worse for the new skipper, Chris. But I'll take it.

Sox Set to Kick Off Series With O's

The sox will get ready to do battle with the rejuvenated Baltimore Orioles tonight. Blogged about the O's firing their coach earlier today. They found the secret. I'd be frightened if I was Boston tonight. Not really though. As a matter of fact, I have a strange feeling that Clay Buchholz is going to do something special tonight. What exactly it is, I'm not sure. Maybe he'll be the next pitcher to randomly throw a perfect (or almost perfect) game and add to the ridiculous totals this season. Or maybe he'll strike out 20. Or maybe he'll meet the ultimate chick on ChatRoulette. I don't know. But I just got one of those feelings that it's going to be a great night for Clay in Baltimore. 7-3 with a 2.73 ERA heading into tonight. Look for those numbers to improve come night's end.

The Flyers are Playing for Lord Stanley's Cup...

So this is kind of still sinking into my brain. And three weeks ago I said that I would forget about it and move on, which I did. And I cannot wait for the NHL draft in 21 days. But when I look at Daniel Carcillo's smile and the jersey that he's wearing, and then I look at NHL.com and see that the Philadelphia Flyers are playing for the Stanley Cup, it makes me feel strange. Like, we were beating them 3-0 in the conference semifinals*. Then we were beating them 3-0 in game 7. Then they went to the Stanley Cup Finals. And now they're only losing the series 2-1 with a chance to even it up at home. Doesn't that get on anyone else's nerves just a little bit? If the Blackhawks don't win this series, I'm not sure if I can even visit NHL.com for a few months with the exception of the day we get Taylor Hall. Because seeing Mike Richards hoist up that trophy in front of a sea of orange and white really just isn't going to cut it for me. Step your game up Kane. Wake up Toews. You have work to do.

*thanks to reader for correction.

David Stern Agrees with Doc Rivers but is Unable to Take Action On It Because He's David Stern and He Doesn't Take Action On Anything

ESPN -- Before Game 1 of the NBA Finals, NBA commissioner David Stern said that Boston Celtics coach Doc Rivers might have a case as he rails against double-technicals being included in the postseason limit of seven.


Celtics center Kendrick Perkins is on the threshold of a one-game suspension after accruing six technicals -- five of which are of the double-technical variety (two opposing players being called for technicals on the same play) -- and this with one technical call having been rescinded after Perkins was ejected from Game 5 against the Magic.


"I think [Rivers] has a worthy point that's worthy of consideration," said Stern. "We are where we are now, but I'd like to take a look at it between seasons. As much as I hate to agree with Doc, I think he actually has a point."

Hense why the NBA just pisses me off in so many ways. Doc Rivers is pretty bullshit about the fact that Kendrick Perkins will get suspended if he gets another technical foul. Not only is it ridiculous that it carries over from series to series, but they count the double-T's as well. Teams like Charlotte don't have to worry about the playoff technical foul rule. It's only going to really hurt the last four teams remaining. Because they play long enough to pile up a bunch of technicals. And 98.2% of technical fouls in the NBA these days are bullshit anyway. So I see why Doc is mad. Who wouldn't be in his situation?

Then David Stern has to go and agree with him reluctantly. "As much as I hate to agree with Doc..." Really Dave? I hate to agree with you, but I will... but I still won't do anything about it. Why? Because Perkins being 1 tech from the limit is one of the best cards the NBA can hold in its hand for this series. We need Boston to lose a game to send this thing to more games? No problem, T up Perk. Done deal.

Obviously now everything I see makes me believe more and more that the NBA is totally rigged when it comes to these final few series of the season. But I mean, you're just being flat out oblivious if you think all of these things are undoubtedly just coincidences. At least give consideration to the possibility that we fans are being taken advantage of by a money-hungry corporation that has the power to do whatever they want.

Donaghy's Finals Preview Reassures My Rigged NBA Conspiracy Theory

So I just got finished reading this article written by Tim Donaghy. Previewing the NBA finals. And this isn't like some rinky-dink blog that Donaghy runs himself either. This is the Huffington Post. I'd like it if everyone read that article first and then continued to read this post.

You all see the last sentence of the first paragraph? Well, in case you missed it, let me quote it for you. "The wildcard, though, is how the referees will facilitate the message coming down from the main office, which can easily change the direction of the series."

Yikes, Tim. You're just gonna blow up the NBA's spot like that? Well, I'm happy you did. Because it's what I've been saying all along. The NBA can and will do whatever they want to make the most money they can possibly make. The foul numbers were very lopsided early in favor of the Lakers. Ray had 5 fouls by the third quarter. That changes the game. A lot. Donaghy says right in this article that there is a message passed down from the main office. And how the refs will facilitate that is what influences the series. He also states that the NBA wants to extend series whenever possible. Can we agree that the Celtics taking a quick lead in LA and then having 3 games at home in a row would lead to a quick series for the C's? Of course it would. So, by all means, Game 1 needed to go to LA. Game 2 could go either way now. But you can't give the Celtics a shot at a 2-0 lead in the series because that would lead to a quick one. Donaghy's on the same page as this little conspiracy theory I've got going. And Donaghy is a former NBA ref. Potentially the most qualified person who could speak about the topic.

I mean, I hope you read this article. I hope it made you realize the potential of NBA corruption. And like Donaghy says -- we would love it if the NBA just let the better team win naturally and proved us all wrong. But the horrendous calls continue and they flip back and forth between teams in what always amount to see-saw series that nearly go the distance. NBA = money hungry hogs. Luckily I still love the sport. I watch games in spite of their managerial tactics.

Rapelisberger Evaluates His Life, Finds Out He Has No Friends

The Associated Press - PITTSBURGH — Ben Roethlisberger issued no apology. He didn't ask for forgiveness from his fans, and he didn't lobby NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to reduce his six-game suspension.

What the Steelers quarterback said Thursday in his first comments since being suspended April 21 by the NFL were revealing: He's ready to make major changes to a lifestyle that cast him as a role model for bad behavior by privileged pro athletes with a sense of entitlement.

"I've spent a lot of time evaluating and looking at my life both on and off the field," Roethlisberger said after a Steelers workout. "I think this is a time for me to kind of close the chapter of the last couple of years of my life and move on to a new one, kind of a new start. I'm kind of really excited about it."

Roethlisberger, accused twice of sexual assault in the past two years, pledged to make smarter decisions during what he called "the second chance" he's received to turn around his life. He also said he's working closely with Goodell to rehabilitate his lifestyle and repair an image that's been tarnished by his boorish behavior.

Add Rapelisberger to the long list of athletes who fuck up big time and have to use their "second chance" to make friends because everyone hates him. Ben is like a child who knows he got caught doing something bad and proceeds to tell his parents(The NFL and it's fans) that he'll never do it again. He promises. Im sorry Ben, but once you're a rapist, you're always a rapist. You can't wash that shit off. You can't go to rape addiction rehab and claim to be cured. You're just a shitty person who should be in jail getting raped. Eye for an eye.

South Korea's World Cup Team

I am slightly confused by their tactics.

Cage Fight Pick 'Em: Pau vs Dustin

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Well today we have a very unique fight. We're going cross-sport, cross-town, rival towns, and very different body types. Dustin Pedroia is 5'6", Pau Gasol's 7'. That's an 18 inch advantage in height. But we know Dustin Pedroia here in Boston, so let's take a closer look.

Pau: Well Gasol has size going for him. That's definitely a plus. A lot more reach than Pedroia has. But you know what's funny about UFC fights? You can't flop and draw a call from a referee. If you flop, you just get your face pounded in. And if you do somehow succeed after flopping around on your ass, you can't go to your teammates and hug them like a switch hitter. They'll just drop you on your ass. So ultimately, Pau's mindset is going to need a lot of work. He's not a fighter. He's a fairy. And fairies succeed in a lot of places, don't get me wrong. Not in the octagon though. If he is going to win this fight, he needs to just land a big strike on Dusty.

Dustin: Guy is tiny and has a huge disadvantage in size. But he also has the most heart out of anyone in the entire world right? Like might Dustin Pedroia be the grittest and most competitive athlete in the world? I think he has to be close. I've never seen Dustin Pedroia throw his arms in the air, whip is head around, make a grimace on his face, and flop to the ground like he'd just been shot by a fully loaded Ithaca shotgun. He also doesn't smile ear to ear and hug and rejoice with his teammates. He just keeps his game face on and doesn't celebrate until the goal has been achieved. Hard-nosed fighter who isn't going to back down to adversity.

X-Factor: Toughness. Plain and simple. Pau showed us what happens to him when someone pushes him around, when the battle gets tough, in 2008. I know, last night the Lakers won. Doesn't mean shit. Pau still buckles under heated, aggressive, physical battles. Dustin dreams about those opportunities. He never gets to physically beat down on people on the diamond. Now is his chance. And he'll take advantage of that chance.

The Decision: Laser Show. Relax.

What do the fans think? Vote 1 for Pau would still win despite being the biggest flamer in the history of flamers. Vote 5 if this becomes a laser show without a doubt.

England's Captain Hurts Knee, Gives USA a Chance?

So ESPN just reported that the England soccer team's captain, Rio Ferdinand, is going to miss the World Cup with a knee injury. Didier Drogba is also out for Ivory Coast, too. All the stars are going down (what, you didn't know they were stars? Soccer's like the most popular thing ever...). But seriously, does this mean the USA now has a chance to win their pool and make a run at the World Cup for the first time uhh.... ever?

Vote 1 for there's a better chance of the Pirates winning the world series or vote 5 for the USA is now as serious a contender as anyone.

Orioles Find Cure, Fire Trembley

Yahoo! -- Dave Trembley was fired Friday as manager of the Baltimore Orioles, who have the worst record in the major leagues and are staggering toward a franchise-record 13th consecutive losing season.

Third base coach Juan Samuel was appointed interim manager by president of baseball operations Andy MacPhail, who hired Trembley to take over on an interim basis for Sam Perlozzo on June 18, 2007.

At last! The Baltmore Orioles figured out why they are 21 games back in the AL East! Have we even played that many games yet? This is absurdly early to be down 21 games. But everyone can rest easy now. It was obviously Dave Trembley's fault. Guy is LOADED with talent in Baltimore. They must have like 1 or 2 guys that could hit a baseball over the wall at Camden Yards. And I heard one of their pitchers throws NINETY miles per hour! Raw talent is just oozing out of this team. So their 15-39 record is clearly not attributed to the players they have gathered. It's definitely the coach. Now they will obviously win the division. Juan Samuel was coaching third base just waiting for his chance. Now he has it. The only question is: who's gonna coach third base now? Will they have the guy who made the last out put on a helmet and run over? That would just make one more similarity between the Baltimore Orioles and my 12-year-old little league team.

Australian Lorikeets Getting Silly 24/7

AOL -- You've heard of getting drunk as a skunk, but what about three 'keets to the wind?

That's no typo. We're talking about the lorikeet, a species of parrot. And in Australia, hundreds of them have reportedly been getting tipsy in the small town of Palmerston.

The brightly colored birds are showing all the symptoms of being blotto bird-style: They lack coordination, they pass out, and then they cower in their cages recovering from their hangovers -- without the benefit of human-style hangover cures such as coffee, menudo or sausage biscuits and gravy.
According to the French news service Agence France-Presse, the aviary intoxication epidemic has local veterinarians, struggling to care for the birds, perplexed.

"They definitely seem like they're drunk," said Lisa Hansen, a veterinary surgeon at the Ark Animal Hospital in Palmerston, near Darwin."They fall out of trees ... and they're not so coordinated as they would normally be. They go to jump and they miss the next perch."

I've never been one to support getting birds as pets. It's like you can't really play with them and all they do is piss you off by chirping and shit late at night. And the only real benefit is getting to look at them. Sitting in their cage nibbling on some bread. But let this be clear -- I so want a lorikeet from Australia. Dudes will get shitty with you on Friday nights. I'm sure it takes less than like a sip to get a lorikeet hammered anyway. So I've been thinking about the possibility of spreading this drunkenness in the bird kingdom to the US. Maybe put a ton of bird paths around full of Bacardi? I mean a bird ways like 4 ounces and is made of feathers. It's the definition of a super lightweight. I think we can pull it off. Man's best friend will soon by the lorikeet.

Bruins Resign Shawn Thornton. Matt Cooke Beware.

The Boston Bruins knock one chore off the list early in the offseason by signing Shawn Thornton to a two year deal. Thornton is a solid hockey player that brings a crucial toughness to every game he plays. He sticks up for his teammates and beats the shit out of pussies like Matt Cooke. I will rest easy at night knowing Shawn Thornton is fighting on my side. More Bruins updates will be on the way as their offseason progresses. 21 days until the 2010 NHL Draft.

Celtics Play Worse than Imaginable yet Still have a Chance in 4th Quarter.

I know. Open the flood gates. I was wrong. Brutally. With my predicted score. I'm aware of this. I'm also not worried about it. Because I just watched the Celtics play their sloppiest basketball in months, worst defense in ages, turn the ball over a gazillion times, and still have a shot at a comeback in the fourth quarter. Had the lead down near single digits. But the Lakers defense was tougher than expected. And Pau flopped more than I could have expected. And Artest was a bigger faggot than I ever expected, too. So I mean, yes -- the Lakers lead 1-0. But the Celtics have been woken up. They played this bad and had a chance to win the game. The Lakers were knocking down their shots. Kevin Garnett got stuffed by the rim and then ensued to air-mail the lay-up he got from it. Things were just way wrong tonight. I'm not going to be a pussy and bail on my prediction. Celtics in 5. Take one in LA on Saturday and all of a sudden, the analysts will flip their tables like they always do. Everyone's writing off the title to the Lakers. Hold your horses. We here in Boston know better than anyone that it's never over until the fat lady sings.

Celtics vs Lakers Game 1 -- Fan Chat

The Prediction: Celtics 92, Lakers 81.

Wait... the Celtics are +210 tonight?

So this one's a knee-slapper. The Celtics have been underdogs the whole way, yeah yeah, I know. And rightfully so against Cleveland and maybe so against Orlando, too. They were the underdogs. No one expected this run. But my question is, why? Why didn't anyone expect this? The Celtics continually said that it was about the playoffs. Claimed they could flip a switch come playoff time. And guess what? They did. Fine though. I guess they aren't true favorites because the Lakers still have the outstanding rapist. But +210? That's a money line asking to be killed by Celtics followers. They haven't lost a playoff series KG has played in. They have way more experience and veteran leadership. They play smarter and they play tougher. And they play fucking defense. Defense like no one in the league is used to seeing. Defense that the Lakers haven't seen since when? They just got through the Suns, who actually play negative defense I think. Now they have to flip the switch and take down this stellar defense loaded with veteran heart and soul.

Paul Pierce said he's been having dreams that at the end of the day, he's holding up that trophy. And it's gonna happen at the Garden again. And Kobe's gonna watch it again. Because the Celtics will win game one. And the Celtics will win in 5. I figured the people who picked against them in the past three series may have known better by now. But I guess not, since Vegas still clocks them in at +210. Getting 6 points. Child, please. Remember that we still have this guy.

World's Ugliest Dog is Still Ugly but also Dead

AOL -- Miss Ellie, the small, scraggly-faced pooch who was dubbed the "World's Ugliest Dog" in a 2009 Animal Planet contest, has died at the age of 17.

The Chinese crested hairless never won "best in show," but she was nonetheless a showbiz pro who proved to be a handsome asset for animal shelters, helping them raise thousands of dollars with her appearances.

Poor Miss Ellie. We're gonna miss you, you ugly piece of shit. But on a serious note, is it possible to look at this dog and not have a nightmare the next time you go to sleep? Some things just confirm my belief that the world just has some fucked up things about it that no one can attribute any rhyme or reason to. This is one of them. Why did God create this creature? I don't know. Someone's gotta win the Ugliest Dog contest right? And Miss Ellie did it like a pro for 17 years. They say 1 dog year equals 7 human years right? So this son of a bitch lived for 119 years on the human scale? Impressive, dog. Impressive. Rest in peace.

Cage Fight Pick 'Em: Venus vs Serena

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Day Two of Cage Fight Pick 'Ems. We got a good old sisterly battle here between Venus and Serena Williams. This cat fight is about to be an absolute thriller. Let's read between the lines.

Venus: Some ups and some downs. She's got a planet named after her. Or she's named after the planet. Not really sure which is older but I know she's been playing tennis since there were T-Rexes and shit. But either way she's got some serious veteran game. You look at that picture of Venus and you think focus. Doesn't have the brute strength advantage on her little sis. But she can focus and she is witty. She'll play the logic of the fight. She'll get in your head and toy with your brain. If Venus is going to win this fight, it's going to be by a tactical submission attempt in which Serena shits her pants trying to figure it out.

Serena: Like her big sis, some ups and downs. No planet named after Serena, but she seems to be the more famed figure in the tennis world. Not that that is a huge accomplishment really. But you look at Serena and you think a very different style than Venus. Serena doesn't have the wits and the focus. She's 110% brute strength. She'll ground-n-pound you. She'll land hooks left and right. She'll come at you with brute force and not even give you a chance to think. That's what she does. That's what she'll do. A tough matchup for anyone. And she's got a size advantage to make up for being the younger sister.

X-Factor: Just like yesterday's fight, this one will be decided by where the fight goes. Ground game is owned by Venus. She'll maneuver the shit out of Serena and make her cry in a submission. Stand up fight doesn't last more than a minute with Serena up there. Unfortunately for Venus, I just don't think she'll have the brute strength to get Serena down and keep her down long enough to make her tap out.

The Decision: Serena rocks Venus with a crazy right hook before knocking her out with a knee to the head.

What do the fans think? Vote 1 for Venus is way too smart and she'd toast her sis. Vote 5 for Serena's a man-beast and is way too manly to be stopped.

The Most Obscure Obscure Sport Ever

Wikipedia - Extreme Ironing (or EI) is an extreme sport and a performance art in which people take an ironing board to a remote location and iron items of clothing. According to the official website, extreme ironing is "the latest danger sport that combines the thrills of an extreme outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt."

The human mind is an incredible machine capable of the most awesome functions in the universe. Newton described gravity, Einstein created the theory of relativity, and some whack-job British dude decided to combine ironing with extreme outdoor activities sometime in 1997. This is the first I've heard of the Extreme Ironing phenomena but apparently it has been covered in the past by some news outlets. Anyway I think this is pretty cool. In fact, I'm going take blogging to the next level. Next time I go rock climbing I'm going to blog while I climb. Gonna be nuts.

Welker Returns to Practice, But This Article About Tom Brady Makes Me Sick

YahooSports - Make no mistake – there has been a cool distance between Brady, who turns 33 in August, and the organization over the past few months, and not just of the physical variety.

Entering the final year of the $60 million contract he signed before the 2005 season, Brady would seem to be in line for a lucrative extension that would make him one of the league’s highest-paid players. Yet three months before the start of the 2010 campaign, and less than two months before training camp, there have been no substantial talks between his agents (Don Yee and Steve Dubin) and the Pats’ front office, and there’s a growing sense of disconnect between the two camps.

Brady declined to comment, saying he is uncomfortable discussing the subject. Last week New England owner Robert Kraft expressed confidence that the two sides would get a deal done, telling the Boston Globe, “We’re very lucky to have him as our quarterback and we want him to be our quarterback for a long time into the future.”

However, wanting something to happen and making it so financially are two different animals, and some people close to Brady feel the organization isn’t displaying much urgency toward ensuring the latter. Conversely, the Patriots’ brass, now experiencing a third consecutive offseason in which their California-raised quarterback has spent a sizeable chunk of time away from the team’s facility, would probably welcome some assurances that the quarterback is content to remain on the East Coast.

It would help if the two sides started talking, but right now there is insecurity in the air. With the specter of a work stoppage following the 2010 season looming, Brady’s situation seems entwined with the uncertain labor landscape, to the point where he could be angling toward prospective free agency after a new collective bargaining agreement is reached.

My instincts tell me this is a remote possibility. Brady and Kraft have a strong relationship and a mutual appreciation for one another’s contributions toward the franchise’s decade-long run as the NFL’s most successful franchise. And even though there’s no guarantee that teams will still be allowed to retain the rights of at least one unrestricted free agent via the “franchise” tag once the current CBA expires, it’s hard to imagine Kraft, one of the league’s most powerful owners, signing off on a deal that could expose him to the departure of his best player.

Chances are, Brady will remain with the Pats long past 2010, and this will go down as a business-driven blip in their relationship.

Yet the Patriots, more than many franchises, seem to be making a concerted effort toward minimizing costs heading into the final year of the current CBA, and Brady, the team’s assistant player rep, is at least nominally aligned with the NFL Players Association as it prepares for a possible lockout. It’s hard not to view the apparent stagnation in Brady’s contract talks through the prism of labor uncertainty.

This is an excerpt from an article that is complete bullshit. Suggesting that the Patriots won't resign Tom Brady is complete bullshit. Im sitting here, shitting my pants while reading what this guy wrote about my quarterback, but then I realized something. Where is this guy's works cited page? He made all of that shit up just to write a story that would piss me off. I know he goes on to say he believes Brady will be a Pat forever but come on man don't make shit up like that. This guy is the Jim Joyce of Yahoo Sports.

P.S. Welker is back, Welker. Is. Back.

Who films himself watching a perfect game?

Guy from West Virginia goes nuts at 3:15 mark.

Ken Griffey Jr. retires, nice!

Clearly a HOFer, only 5 more years until I cash in on the rookie cards I have, nice. I really miss the days of Griffey when he was in his prime. From 96' to 2000 he was the only legal home run hitter. McGwire and Sosa were fakes. Larry Walker had a few great season around that time too. Remember Larry Walker? Guy was the man.

"He's out. Why is he safe? Are you kidding me? Why is he safe?"

Yeah so that was just terrible. Jim Joyce. Wow. Armando Galarraga handled that well. If an ump pulled that shit on a sox pitcher on the final out of a perfect game Dustin Pedroia would have Lazer Showed him in the face. No doubt. Jim Joyce... you don't do that...you don't do that. Tragic.

Beltre is a Boss

Back in the offseason, everyone was bitching and moaning about how the Red Sox weren't adding any offense. That they were focusing too much on pitching and defense. That their lineup would be far too weak to hang with the big boys in the AL East. Three months later Adrian Beltre stands before us as the undisputed best hitter on the Boston Red Sox through two months of the season. Gaudy numbers for Beltre (.342, 6 HR, 37 RBI) have lifted the Sox from the dumps of the division to just 5 games out of the lead. Sure, we're still a little ways back. But going into that Tampa series, down 8.5, we had the potential to really bury ourselves. But this man, pictured above, evolved into the boss that he is.

Beltre was known for two things. His stellar defense, and his single 48-homerun season that appeared to be an offensive fluke of the greatest degree. But this year, he has regained that offensive prowess with his massive, heavy, bone-crunching right-handed swing that is finally launching balls over the monster. Is this early success a fluke? I really don't think so. The guy has battled injuries his whole career. That 48 HR explosion of a season was a healthy one for him. So far, this has been a healthy one. And he's finally settling into Fenway park on the defensive side, too. A few errors early in the year had people questioning him. Now, he's diving left and right and looking like the gold-glover that he is. The guy has been a perennial all-star for us this year. And the haters in the offseason? They were wishing we'd either rolled the dice on Lowell or signed a power hitting first baseman, moving Youk to third. Had we done that, chances are we'd be deeper in the hole than we are now.

Lackey, Scutaro, and Cameron are notable disappointments thus far in our batch of signings. Lackey, despite having a 6-3 record, has a high ERA and hasn't looked all that sharp. Scutaro has made some errors and hasn't been the offensive upgrade we were expecting over Alex Gonzalez. Mike Cameron -- what do you know -- is injured -- again. But Beltre, folks, is the real deal. Grab his jersey. Praise his name. This guy will be playing in Boston for a while. What's not to like about him? From head to toe, his entire demeanor is that of a pure boss.