Fight #13: D-Wade vs Ralphie

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The Matchup: Dwyane Wade vs Ralphie May.

Size: D-Wade, even though he's not huge for an NBA player, is a pretty big guy at 6'4", 220 lbs. And while I don't even know what Ralphie May's height is, I've discovered on the internet that at last check he weight 394 lbs. Yikes. Picture Vince Wilfork (325 lbs). Ralphie is nearly 70 pounds heavier. That's some serious size. Advantage Ralphie.

Speed: LOL. Advantage D-Wade.

Power: Hmm.. interesting. I mean, what kind of power are we talking here? It all depends on the two fighters' ability to get into the dominating position. If Ralphie is on top or in side control, I don't know if the strongest man on earth could get him off. But my money is on the fact that D-Wade can avoid getting pinned underneath May's massive weight. I think he can be sly around him with some nifty footwork. Which brings me to my point here. Power is on Wade's side in every position except Ralphie sitting on top of him. So, yeah. Advantage D-Wade.

Smarts: Ralphie May is a hell of a comedian, but at the last comedy show I went to, he told the whole audience to smoke as much weed as they could imagine. Completely serious, too. His reasoning was that weed can't kill you. Interesting insight, but those insights may not be what wins him a fight. Wade is a smart and professional type of player who is all-business when he's on the playing surface. This time, that surface is the octagon. Advantage D-Wade.

Intangibles: Wade has the intangibles of being a champion, having the mind set of a fierce competitor, and having plenty of experience with one-on-one encounters. But Ralphie has that rare ability to make the opposing fighter laugh his ass off. You can't fight when you're cracking up laughing. He tells a joke, throws a right hook. Tells another, enters his submission attempt. Those intangibles could work. Whose intangibles are more valuable? I'll just give it Ralphie because I can already tell he won't win the fight. And he's a funny bastard. Advantage Ralphie.

Toughness: I mean, I'm sure Ralphie is mentally tough and all, and I bet he's faced adversity in his life and may have conquered it nicely. But I don't have enough grounds to base a decision on, especially not over a champion like Dwyane Wade. Wade is tough to knock out. The C's had the heat on the brink of a sweep before Wade went nuts and kept his team alive with a stupidly good shooting performance. He's a warrior and you can't knock him out with one quick punch. You gotta bring the heat all night to see him sleeping in the middle of the ring. Advantage D-Wade.

The Decision: If I had to choose which one to hang out with for a day, I might choose Ralphie. He's hilarious, one of the funniest guys I've ever seen. But let's get real. He would never win a cage fight. His size is an advantage, but it turns on him in every other category. He doesn't have the speed or quickness to utilize that size. Wade has the whole package, from his build to his character. Punch his ticket to round two. Dwyane Wade tires out Ralphie May before submitting him halfway through round one with an arm bar.

What do you think? Would Ralphie really just be able to sit on D-Wade and beat him? Let us know if you think that, but I doubt I'll reverse the decision here. Wade moves on to face tomorrow's winner between the Jets' Mark Sanchez and the Stanley Cup champion Chicago Blackhawks forward Patrick Kane. All I know is that one of these two guys is a champion, and the other probably never will be.